Tom's Blog on Life

Competence
People who have certainty on their ability to produce a product are confident in their competence.

Confront
The ability to face what is actually there rather than what you expect to be there, rather than what you want to be there, rather than what you wish was there requires a high level of courage.

Most people do not confront the people and circumstances of their environment.

Those who are prepared to look at what is there, who do not flinch away from things they do not like are not afraid, they are confident.

Those who can better observe understand more. They are more capable and competent at doing what it takes to work efficiently and getting products.

Goals
Those who feel prepared to face life, who know want they want and where they are headed are certain and confident.

Ethical
When you are honest and ethical, have an established framework of core values you create internal alignment and eliminate internal friction and conflict. You are not looking over your shoulder, wondering and worrying if you have been or will be found out. You are set up to be confident.

Unsuppressed
People who have someone in their circle who invalidates or belittles them or their work, undermines or contradicts their decisions, dismisses them or their opinions or in any way makes them feel smaller will find it more difficult to retain confidence.

Toughness
Very rarely is life a steady stream of wins. There are often setbacks – personal, business, financial, relationship, physical – for which toughness – a strong personal resiliance – is an invaluable buffer.

When you have this characteristic it enables you to show up and be counted whereas a person with less confront and resilience would fail to show. The willingness to be there and be seen, even when it is uncomfortable, elevates you to a much higher level.

Self-Talk
Imagine how you might feel if every time you sat down to plan out your day or week you did a mental review of every failure you had ever suffered. I doubt it would be a good feeling.

This could be considered a consistent stream of self-invalidation, something you would not permit from another person.

Imagine instead, if you completely ignored every loss you had ever suffered and recalled every win you had ever enjoyed.

Can you appreciate how much more confident you would feel if at every opportunity you validated your wins and rightness?

High-Trust Associates
Having a close circle of family/friends add comfort, longevity, and a safety net that no amount of willpower can replace. And is a major factor in longevity!

These observations lead to the conclusion that genuine, bone-deep confidence is built on purpose, courage, prediction, competence, personal ethics, freedom from suppression, establishing a strongly supportive circle of associates and careful management of your self-talk.

Notice I differentiate genuine confidence from putting on a brave face, exhibiting bravado or being brash.

Genuine confidence is often calm, quiet, not flashy or showy. It is often associated with reliability, stability and certainty. It does not have to prove itself to anyone or receive acknowledgement or validation. It just knows.

There is nothing wrong with the advice to ‘fake it till you make it’ but make it genuine as soon as you can by developing those skills and characteristics underlying genuine confidence.

If you already have a goal or know your basic purpose in life, tick that box. If not, head over to my article on ‘How To Work Out Your Basic Purpose In Life’:
https://www.tomgrimshaw.com/tomsblog/?p=37862

If a person who wanted to be more confident were to focus their attention on increasing
their awareness,
their ability to confront,
their ethic level and
performing their tasks as competently as possible to as high a standard as possible and
handling anyone in their environment who manifested counter intention to their survival or happiness then
their confidence would rise as a direct result.

Specific Tips
————-
Write out where you would like to be in 5 years time. Work out what the intermediate steps would be to get there. No fancy planner needed, pen and paper is fine.

Start aligning your weekly and daily To Do lists to align with and forward your progress to attain those objectives.

Document your core values.

Resolve to consistently live up to your values, even when inconvenient.

Make it a habit to look more, see what is there and recognise it for what it is.

If someone does something that frustrates you, ask yourself, “What am I seeing here?” with brutal frankness. Follow that with, “What do I want to do in response to that?”

The better you know people, the fewer surprises you’ll receive and the less you’ll be disappointed by their actions

Be the sort of person you are proud to be by only doing those things you would be prepared to have everyone know.

Develop an ethic framework of what you will allow in your actions and in those of your associates. Set clear boundaries for yourself and others and be prepared to communicate those boundaries when appropriate.

Be prepared to call out unethical action on the part of others.

Be honest in reviewing situations where you feel you did not live up to your own ideal ethic level and change your framework to ensure no repeats of that situation.

Curate the people you allow to enter and remain in your circle. Ask if that person adds value to your life? If you add value to their life without them constantly draining you.

Own your decisions.

Keep your word to yourself and others. Honour your promises and commitments to yourself and others. This builds self-respect and respect for yourself among others.

Celebrate small wins privately.

I often suggest to a person that they maintain an exercise book labeled ‘Wins and successful actions.” I recommend they add to the book every time they have a win, noting those actions that contributed to the win. This will ensure no loss of awareness of what contributed to each success.

Once a month review your increase in skills and wins. You will find it highly encouraging, even confidence building! It’s documentary proof that every small step is stacking up.

Then make a list of those specific skills you wish to focus on for the coming month.

To your ever growing competence and confidence.

Tom Grimshaw
tom@tomgrimshaw.com

Additional Reading:
How To Work Out Your Basic Purpose In Life:
https://www.tomgrimshaw.com/tomsblog/?p=37862

Addressing Procrastination:
https://www.tomgrimshaw.com/tomsblog/?p=67238

How To Boost Self-Discipline:
https://www.tomgrimshaw.com/tomsblog/?p=67086

Procrastination

What is procrastination?
Procrastination is the unwillingness to do a task now.

While reminding yourself of Nike’s slogan “Just do it!” works some of the time, when it doesn’t, the following will help you identify your reason(s) for procrastinating on this particular task so you can handle them and move forward.

I once heard that a problem well stated is a problem half solved. So if we nail the paricular reason(s) for this procrastination we are half way to solving it.

Why do we procrastinate?

Procrastination could be the result of one or a combination of factors.

One way to identify procrastination is to ask, “Which ‘I don’t’ applies?”

Dislike
I don’t want to — dislike, discomfort, resentment.

Doubt/Uncertainty
I don’t know — uncertainty, lack of information, lack of skills or unclear starting point.

Fear
I don’t believe I can — fear of failure, perfectionism, uncertainty about capability.

Habit
I don’t initiate promptly. Repeatedly postponing similar tasks can become the default response, requiring little conscious decision-making.

Inadequate Incentive
I don’t want to pay the price now — time, money, energy, resources, competing desires, opportunity cost or consequences.

Mental or Physical Inadequacy
I don’t have the energy. You may consider the task worthwhile but currently lack sufficient mental or physical resources – lack of food or rest, exhaustion from previous efforts – to tackle it effectively.

Expanding on these…

Dislike
A dislike for the action(s) involved in doing the task.
Immediate discomfort. Starting the task requires tolerating boredom, frustration, embarrassment, uncertainty, effort or some other unpleasant experience.
The task has become associated with unpleasant experiences. Previous difficulty, criticism, failure or frustration can make you reluctant to begin again.
Resentment. You may deliberately or unconsciously resist doing something because you dislike being required or expected to do it.

Doubt/Uncertainty
Insufficient information. You need information, skills, materials or a decision from someone else before you can proceed.
The task is too large or complex. You cannot see a clear first step, so the task feels overwhelming.
Lack of a clear starting point. You know what needs to be achieved but do not know exactly what to do first.
Unclear purpose. You do not understand why the task matters, so there is insufficient reason to invest effort in it.

Fear
Avoidance of a decision. Sometimes procrastinating the task is actually a way of postponing a difficult decision that the task would force you to make.
Uncertainty that the decided option is the best one.
Uncertainty that you can accomplish the desired product as a result of doing the task.
Feat of harm. Knowledge that, despite being the best option you can think of, some degree of harm will come from executing that option.
Fear of failure. You may delay because completing the task creates the possibility of discovering that you cannot do it successfully.
Fear of success. Completing the task may create new responsibilities, expectations or consequences that you would rather avoid.
Perfectionism. Fear of not doing it to a high enough standard. The task seems too important to do imperfectly, so you postpone starting until you can do it properly.

Inadequate Incentive
An unwillingness to commit resources to doing the task now. (Resources could be time, energy, space, money, materials, other people’s labour or time.)
Competing priorities. Another task appears to have greater urgency, greater immediate benefit or more serious consequences if neglected.
Low immediate reward. The benefits of completing the task are distant, uncertain or relatively small compared with the immediate pleasure of doing something else.
Loss of motivation. You originally decided the task was worthwhile but your perceived value of completing it has subsequently declined.
Poor estimation of consequences. The cost of delaying feels small now, while the future cost is difficult to appreciate.

Other Factors
While the above are the main reasons there are other factors that can contribute to procrastination:

Lack of external accountability. There is no immediate consequence for delaying, making postponement easy.

Distraction. Other activities provide an easier, more immediate source of stimulation or satisfaction.

Some Handlings
As with any task that required thinking, do this when you feel at your best-well slept and fed.

0. Don’t Play ‘the Blame Game’
Decide not to play ‘the Blame Game’. Berating or invalidating yourself does not work. Neither does blaming somebody else if they have assigned you the task.

1. Own The Task
Get into communication with the task.
Does it need to be done?
Can it be delegated?
If you decide it needs to be done and cannot be delegated, take ownership and responsibility for completing the task. Fully own it. Tell yourself,
“This is my task to complete!”
“I am the one responsible for doing this!”
“If it is to be, it is up to me!”

2. Evaluate Your “I Don’t’
Once you have your basic reason(s), sit down and get into communication with it/them.
For each, write it down or type it up.
List every reason you cna think of why it is valid to hold that view.
List reasons why it might not be optimum to hold that view.

3. Evaluate the Task
Write up the diffferent steps that need to occur to complete the tast or at least a first draft of what actions need to be done to complete it. Does not have to be complete, it is a first draft and may change as you get into the task and learn more.

4. What is the Accomplishment Prize?
Write down the advantages of getting it done
– time saved, morale boost, pride, satisfaction – and the disadvantages of putting it off – demotivation, accumulating losses, stress, guilt, lack of quality time enjoying other activities – including how you will feel as a result of each alternative.

If the prize seems inadequate think of how you can ‘sweeten the pot’ and give yourself a bigger completion bonus for finishing the task.

5. Focus On The Product
Once you have identified your reasons for this particular procrastination, recognise the philosophical truth that resisting a negative ends up in failure. A far more productive way to approach any problem is to decide on the positive outcome then work towards it.

You could ask,
“What is the optimum outcome here?”
then,
“What it will take to achieve that result?”

and let your answers to those questions decide your actions.

One thing I find useful is to stop thinking about the effort and focus on the product.

So putting my focus on the end result I am wanting to create boosts my drive to get out and put in the effort to get there.

6. Don’t Overcommit, Just Commit To Starting
Another thing that can overcome initial inertia and boost drive when you are starting something you dislike is to start small and build gradually. Commit to putting in 5 minutes. That’s all. You could tolerate nearly anything for five minutes. Except a deadhang. I max out at two minutes on a deadhang.

This starting small does several things. It all but eliminates resistance – the contemplation of five minutes does not generate anywhere near as much internal resistance as the thought of starting with three hours of it! – and it builds a winning attitude – you set a target and attained it!

And if you started with five minutes it is super easy to double it the next day!

Thereafter, set SMART targets:
Specific (excat action)
Measurable (x minutes)
Achievable (tiny)
Relevant (progress the marker toward a task done)
Time-bound (deadline)

7. Manage Your Attitude Towards Yourself And The Task
Making a decision to do a large or complex task then carrying it forward to completion is often not a ‘set and forget’ exercise. It can require picking yourself up after a loss or failure and many other self management skills.

I wrote a comprehensive article on Self-Discipline you can find at https://www.tomgrimshaw.com/tomsblog/?p=67086

It covers a range of topics you might find useful:

boosting your drive level (motivation)
overcoming distractions
the buddy system
accountability
‘selling’ yourself on winning
handling negative thoughts
handling minor failures
toughness
inertia and momentum

Hope this helps you.
If you have any other techniques you know of that work for you, drop me a line so I can include them.

To your success!

Tom Grimshaw
tom@tomgrimshaw.com