Category: Humour/Humor

It is wise to remember that you do not know what you do not know.

That’s it! It was under our noses all along!

There are some wags around!

A truck driver was doing his usual delivery to the mental hospital.

He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home.

He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down.

When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain.

Seeing no way to fish the bolts out of the drain, he panicked.

A patient happened to walk past and stopped to ask the driver what had happened.

The driver told the patient the whole incident.

The patient laughed at him and said, “You can’t even fix such a simple problem…no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver. Here’s what you do. Take one bolt each from the other three wheels and fix this wheel with them! Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, easy as that.”

The driver was very impressed and asked, “You’re so smart but why are you here at the mental hospital?”

The patient replied, “Hello! I stay here because I’m crazy, not because I’m stupid!”

(Tom: It is true that sanity and intelligence are two completely different things. Intelligence enables one to solve problems. The more intelligent one is, the more problems one can solve.

I read once that sanity had to do with being able to create problems to solve. That the insane are too firmly fixed on one problem. They have too few.

So any time you find yourself too firmly fixed on one specific problem, mock up (create, imagine) problems of comparable magnitude until you feel less fixed on it.)

He rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:
“Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?”
“And the best of the day to yourself. This is Father O’Malley at St. Ann’s Catholic Church.
There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o’ yer lads to take care of the matter.”
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, “Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites.”
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Then, Father O’Malley replied, “Aye, ’tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.”

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, ‘If I sold me house and me car, had a big jumble sale and gave all me money to the church, would that get me into heaven?’
‘NO!’ the children answered.
‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?’
Again, the answer was ‘No!’ By now I was starting to smile.
‘Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved me husband, would that get me into heaven?’
Again, they all answered ‘No!’. I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, ‘ Then how can I get into heaven?’
A six year-old boy named Mark shouted out “YU’V GOTTA BE FUK’N DEAD…….”