Posted on

Parent Job Description

This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, I don’t believe any of us would have applied!!!
Position:
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma, MUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMY!
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop, DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!
Job Description:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to the hospital, emergency room, walk in clinics, primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
PTA meetings, school reports card days, open house things of that nature.
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.
Responsibilities:
The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets, baking, constant cleaning and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
Possibility for Advancement & Promotion:
None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
Previous Experience:
None required although having worked previously as a plumber, electrician, costume designer, pattern maker, tailor, seamstress, dressmaker, drill sergeant major, counselor, triage nurse, nurse, doctor, surgeon, cleaner, carpenter, engineer, software developer, software trainer, computer support technician, project researcher, censor, careers adviser, taxi driver, courier, teacher, teacher’s aide, camping guide, bush walking guide, survival skills teacher, cat herder, dog trainer, fight referee, lecturer, professor, sports coach, laundromat hand, combat marine, lawyer, judge, investigative journalist, private investigator, psychic, spy, lie detector operator, watch repairer, jeweller, artist, provisioning officer, short order cook, cordon bleu chef, pastry chef, combat information center I\C, toxic waster cleanup crew member, bomb disposal squad member. parole officer, prison guard and prosecuting attorney would all be useful.
On-the-job training offered (mandatory) on most of the above on a continually exhausting basis.
Wages and Compensation:
Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
Benefits:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, letting them know they are appreciated for the fabulous job they do… …or forward with love to anyone thinking of applying for the job.
** AND A FOOTNOTE**
THERE IS NO RETIREMENT — EVER!!!

Posted on

Seen on a t-shirt on Facebook

“I take Asprin for the headache caused by the Zyrtec I take for the hayfever I got from Relenza for the uneasy stomach from the Ritalin I take for the short attention span caused by the Scopederm Ts I take for the motion sickness I got from the Lomotil I take for the diarrhea caused by the Zenikal for the uncontrolled weight gain from the Paxil I take for the anxiety from the Zocor I take for my high cholesterol because exercise, a good diet and regular chiropractic are just too much trouble.”
I don’t know whether to categorise this as horror, comedy, tragedy, health advice or as evidence of insanity\crimes against humanity in a law suit against the drug companies.