Category: Humour/Humor

“Where are we going Piglet?” asked Pooh.

“We need to get supplies,” said Piglet. “For the Coronavirus”

“Ahh,” said Pooh, nodding in understanding. “Things like bread, milk, cough mixture, tissues and cat litter even though we don’t have a cat?”

Piglet did a little laugh, and a sort of leap and bit of a cough. “No,” said Piglet. “No, those aren’t the sort of supplies we need at all! What we need are family sized bags of chocolate buttons, massive toblerone, jelly babies and crunchies and a freezer full of stuffed crust pizzas, and all of the Prosecco that we can possibly carry, so that when we get quarantined we won’t mind it even slightly. THOSE are supplies.”

All of a sudden, Pooh thought that the idea of coronavirus didn’t seem quite so bad, and actually, getting quarantined with Piglet and their supplies really didn’t sound such a terrible thing after all. “Oh Piglet,” said Pooh. “I really do think you are a very wise animal.”

As they walked along they spotted Eeyore stood by a stream watching the sticks float by…..

“Hello Eeyore.” Said Pooh, “we’re off to buy supplies to sit out the quarantine, would you like to come?”

“No thank you.” Said Eeyore “I’m just going to stand here, look at the stream and contemplate the Economic impact of a media induced panic that several companies are projecting folding straight out of Brexit. Also the NHS being brought to its knees by a huge panic, and the social impact of people distrusting others because they look or are associated with China. People are dumb.”

“Well that’s sad.” Said Pooh “I much prefer getting shitfaced and eating Pizza.”

“The ironic thing.” Smiled Eeyore is that Panic induces the Stress Response, and the first thing the stress response does is switch off the immune system.”

“Huh.” Said Pooh. “why would the media do that.”

“I don’t know.” Said Eeyore “I just watch sticks

Aurthor unknown

You may speak of love and tenderness and passion, but real ecstasy is discovering you haven’t lost your keys after all. – The Optimist magazine

I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland. A group of American tourists came in.
One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, “I hear you Irish think you’re great drinkers.
I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes.”

The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving.

No one took up the bet.

40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, “Hey Yank, is yer bet still on?”
“Sure” said the American, “20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000.”

“Grand, ” replied the Irishman, “so pour the pints and start the clock. “

It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.

“OK Yank, pay up.” said the Irishman.

“I’m happy to pay, here’s your money” said the American.

“But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?’

“Well sir”, replied the Irishman, “$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me. So I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.

Those of you who are caught short, sit tight! We have you covered! A rescue team is being assembled as I type and help is on the way!

And while you have nothing better to do, get some pelvic floor exercises in.