![\"Steven](\"http:\/\/www.tomgrimshaw.com\/tomsblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/Steven_Wright-240x300.jpg\")
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1 – I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
\n2 – Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
\n3 – Half the people you know are below average.
\n4 – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
\n5 – 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
\n6 – A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
\n7 – A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
\n8 – If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
\n9 – All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
\n10 – The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
\n11 – I almost had a psychic girlfriend… …but she left me before we met.
\n12 – OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
\n13 – How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
\n14 – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
\n15 – Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
\n16 – When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
\n17 – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
\n18 – Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
\n19 – I intend to live forever … So far, so good.
\n20 – If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
\n21 – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
\n22 – What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
\n23 – My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
\n24 – Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
\n25 – If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
\n26 – A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
\n27 – Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
\n28 – The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
\n29 – To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
\n30 – The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
\n31 – The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
\n32 – The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
\n33 – Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.
\n34 – If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
\n35 – If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
1 – I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2 – Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back. 3 – Half the people you know are below average. 4 – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5 – 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6 … <\/p>\n