Category: Humour/Humor

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Sometimes It Is Hot

You may know that lots and lots of Australians move to Queensland every year. This is an extract of the diary of one such adventurous soul!

August 31st
Just got transferred with work into our new home in Brisbane!! Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful, sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the verandah. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.

September 13th
Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I’m turning into a sun worshiper.

September 30th
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th
The temperature hasn’t been below 30 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it’s kind of windy though, but getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer that I expected.

October 15th
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a daft thing to do. I learnt my lesson though. Got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.

October 20th
I didn’t see Kitty our cat, sneaking into the car before I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at lunchtime, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank out $3,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat poo. I learnt my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

October 25th
The wind gives me the shits. It feels like a giant bloody blow dryer!! And it’s as hot as hell. The air conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.

October 30th
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $450,000 house and we can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

November 4th
It’s 35 degrees. Finally got the ol’ air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but this bloody humidity makes the house feel like it’s about 30.Stupid repairman. I hate this bloody place.

November 8th
If another smartarse says, “Hot enough for you today?” I’m going to throttle him. Bloody heat. By the time I get to work the car’s radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet,and I smell like baked cat!!

November 9th
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol’ car. I thought my arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat.

November 10th
The weather report might as well be a bloody recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this damn place? Water rationing will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms will dry up and blow into the bloody pool. Even the palms can’t live in this heat.

November 14th
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 38 today. Now the air conditioner in my car has gone. The repairman came to fix it and said, “Hot enough for you today?” My wife had to spend the $2,500 house payment to bail my arse out of jail for assaulting the repairman. Bloody Brisbane. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?

December 1st
WHAT????? This is the first day of summer???? You are @#?*@! kidding!

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Diary Of A Snow Shoveller

Snowed In

Moved to North Dakota this fall. We heard that summers are fun and winter is beautiful. We think there is no more beautiful a place in the whole world!

December 8 – 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9th
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12th
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14th
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.

December 15th
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 16th
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17th
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God! I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20th
Electricity’s back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but. they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22th
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it’s so cold, it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob-who has a plow on his truck-for the rest of the winter, but he says he’s too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23th
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago. She says she did but I think she’s lying.

December 24th
6 inches – Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling, and then he comes down the street…at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents…but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25th
Merry f—ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight – snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s a fricking idiot. If I have to watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to feed her through a chipper shredder.

December 26th
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27th
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $4,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28th
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29th
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30th
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31st
I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8th
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed ???

– Author Unknown

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How Children Perceive Their Grandparents

Grandparents

1. I was in the bathroom, putting on my makeup, under the watchful eyes of my young granddaughter, as I’d done many times before. After I applied my lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!” I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye….
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 68. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was THAT?”
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo and I said, “No, how are we alike?’’ “You’re both old,” he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
“What’s it about?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”
7. I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, “Grandma, I really think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!”
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.” “Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” he advised “Mine says I’m 4 to 6.” (WOW! I really like this one — it says I’m only ’38’!)
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting.” she said. “How do you make babies?” “It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ’y’ to ’i’ and add ’es’.”
11. Children’s Logic: “Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher. The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked. “Sure,” said the young boy confidently. ’It means carrying a child.”
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.
“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one child.
“No,” said another. “He’s just for good luck.”
A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.”
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport, and whenever we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.